Met the folks this past weekend. I was a little off on my game. I can usually woo parents like no tomorrow. This time not so much, I just kept saying stupid things. Eh, it happens. Nothing else new is really going on. A blast from the past keeps haunting me. I am super confused over my grandpa. I dont know how to feel about the whole ho skeezy situation. I just want my grandma back. That would solve everything.
Almost every day I read ApartmentTherapy.com. They always have a few decorating hints and ideas and usually at a low cost. Today I read the site (after getting to work on the world famous murder) and there was an article on libraries. I love books but have always hated libraries. All of the books just seem old and out of date. Every one on the site was raving about it and I spend so much money I do not have on books I decided to check out the local library again. I went on-line and searched the new books and to my surprise there were tons of books that I had wanted to purchase. I got out of work, went to the library, and found three really great new books. HOW EXCITING!! I may be a convert.
This weekend was fabulous. Friday I stayed at home and spent no money as I get paid ONCE A MONTH and was not due for funds until Saturday. Saturday I went out to eat at a Mexican place in Lafayette square that makes the best margaritas and homemade corn tortilla chips. I spent the rest of the afternoon driving the entire city. I went and got frozen custard, went to the Catholic supply store, where I shockingly did not get struck by lightning. Jesus was guarding the door. I must have distracted him with my super hot shoes he did not notice who was walking in. I bought the pendant I intended to come for and shopped around a lot. How fun is it to go to specialty stores. Like really specialty, all police gear or all priest gear. FUN. I then went for Ted Drewes frozen custard and drove around looking at all the nice houses in the city. I came home and met up with a boy who shall not be named. We went and watched the Cardinal game, walked down on the riverfront, briefly watched a play going on in the park and then came home sat out on the patio, drank beers and played with the dogs. Saturday went to the boy's and watched South Park and a movie starring the dreamy Ryan Reynolds. Got home late and passed out. A great weekend.
Then I get to work today and it all starts to go downhill. Not because of work really but because of the not work. I did not get the job I interviewed for last week. Essentially they told me it was a courtesy second interview and that they already had a front runner candidate who has all this damn statistics experience. I was disappointed but put up a very good fight for the position and my qualifications. The further past the interview I get the more and more pissed off I have become. I wanted that job so bad. I wanted to stay in the city. I wanted to feel like all of the hard work I have done has come to a fruitful conclusion and beginning of something great. I am so pissed off I have wanted to hit things all day. I don't think I have ever felt like this.
I will not see the boy all week as we work opposite schedules. I think I will miss him. Of course I am freaked out. I thought I of all people could handle dating someone who does his job. But I know all of the people who do his job! I thought I could handle the crazy schedules but I feel like I will hate it. Of course I have been spoiled being able to see him whenever and now it will be at very scheduled times. Maybe this is first night jitters.
Hell, who am I to be complaining of first night jitters?! I hope he has a blast. It is a beautiful night and a great night to start a career.
I have been reconsidering writing for a while now. Things that seemes so raw in the past no longer have any effect. Where is my life since I have really written last? I am minus a grandmother, minus my precious Oscar Doodle, practically minus a grandfather. I am living back at home. And shockingly my aunt and I get along swimmingly. And I love St. Chuck and living in a house with a yard. Jillian starts kindergarten in August. I keep telling her to stop growing. She won't listen.
Career wise things are as good as anyone could want. I am in the background process with the DEA. If I get that gig I would be working in DC at headquarters doing policy work for the agency. A dream gig, for me at least. It is probably everything I have ever wanted. BUT then I would have to move again to a city where I know no one. Granted, I could go without leaving much behind here. My family and pups. All of my friends have moved along to the married with kids stage. I am more ok with this than I have been in the past. I am very happy with where my life is. I also am considering and being considered for a position with the city police. Also exactly what I would want if I did not have to leave the city. It really does make all the sucky parts of the past seem worth it. It is a pretty fine predicament to be in.
Thinking about writing again. There were some things that have happened that I MAY have wanted to refect back on later. Most likely they would have been painful but sometimes (and not to sound like some kind of freak, but) a twinge of pain reminds you that you have some sort of feelings. And sometimes that is all you need.
this will be the last installment of the journal. i dont like looking back. as someone told me recently the past is the past. i also dont like people knowing so much about me. this is the warning that it will all be erased sooner rather than later. so get your fill of me before it is gone.
Having a job you like sure makes the week fly by. I love it. The job is interesting. Well it is an interesting environment. Everyone is friendly but it is weird coming in as an outsider when everyone is so close. But people love me and it is working out fine. I still do not have my own computer which is really starting to get old and I have a crappy chair. Something has to happen with that. I went out for drinks last night with the people in my department and one girl let me hang out over at her apartment until it was time to go out. I thought that was really nice of her. Before we met the guys out, her and I went to Casa Gallardo for happy hour and $2.00 margaritas. Yum. I drank too much, did not get home till one and had to get up at 6. That was not fun at all. If this keeps up I am going to have to make the move down to the county. Oddly enough I have unrelated plans down there tommorrow too.
I am still trying to figure out my job will entail on a long term basis but that will come with time I suppose. Right now I am just trying to learn the office politics and personalities and stay below the radar.
I heart my job if for nothing more than I get to see hot guys in uniform occasionally. Let's be honest here. I just love men and all things testosterone. I already have a teeny crush on some guy I work with. I think it is fabu and works out well for me because it would be totally off limits to date someone when you work so closely with them. It would just be weird. Damn, he is cute though.
This weekend was a really great time. I have to admit I was 'that girl' at one point in the night on Saturday. I am trying to block that part out. The visitor was 'that guy' later in the night so all was even. Fourteen hours of straight drinking will do that to a person. I think that my body is trying to tell me to stop. I think I may be getting the lesson. The weather was cold and Mardi Gras organizers are complaining about how the crowds were down but I did not notice. It may have been the dance party we had in the street that kept me distracted. I have never seen so many 'grills' other than on BET. Luckily one of us had a better sense of direction than the other one of us and the one with the bad sense of direction has great friends to come find her when they get the phone call to come get us even though we do not know where we were. I got some beads from some guys on the Metro Link on the way home. I did not think the babe should have Jagermeister beads. After Mardi Gras we went to another bar and then to the casino. Got home around 3. Went to the airport and then came home and slept for 4 hours. Thank goodness I have off tommorrow. I need the time to deep cleanse and detoxify.
I AM OFFICIALLY EMPLOYED! So happy. The best part...it is a career to be happy about. You can now call me a 'Crime Analyst.' I am so relieved to know where I am going in the morning and will go everyday. I am relieved that I can stop looking. I am relieved that I no longer have to worry that if I break a leg I won't have insurance. I am relieved that I can stop putting off other things in my life, like seeing my friends and for reals dating not temporary dating. I am relieved that I no longer have to be embarassed about 'what I do.' I am proud I finally polished my interview skills and learned what it takes to reach optimal confidence levels in interviews. I am happy that the background check did not reveal me to be a awful person.
Having left StL I got to see how much more diverse the world is. This is saying a lot considering I have not been anywhere really diverse. An example, that left me disgusted, the other day I was with a group of people and one of them said "Sometimes I wish we were back in a segregated society." Nice. Even better was that there was agreeance in the group that we were in.
I am going to start making a list of words I like just so that I can reference the list and it will make me happy. At one time on my laptop before it keeled over I found a website that you could make lists of words you like then you would be linked to people who liked the same words. Myspace like. I cannot believe there are other people in the world who love words as much as I do. It is weird. I know.
In addition to the word list I am going to start on the list of events/places I want to go, so far the list includes, Oktoberfest, luckenbach tx, Austin City Limits, and times square on new years eve.
There comes a day when you should just not google. And that day was today. I have found out that the ex who I was more than happy with him being in another state has moved back to StL and I want to puke. I just don't like the possibility that I could run into him. Especially now that he is married off and in his dream job and I have ...jack.
So I have known forever that Meth was a problem in MO. They have been talking about it since I was in college. We learned about it in our criminal justice classes on many different levels but it was never quite put into perspective as to the scope of the problem here. I just expected it was the same way everywhere. Compare different states. I chose MO, PA, and AZ. Just the number of counties affected in MO is outrageous. I guess now we know what people do in MO for entertainment and income.
Due to my crappy job state everyday I am continually surronded by people who think they know a lot but do not. Yesterday the man who was temporarily sitting next to me told me that he has worked in customer service for 15 years...which tells me a lot right there. Picture ghetto speaking trailer trash. (Yes, there is a spot right next to the devil for me) But anyway--his security clearance just came back from the Secret Service and now he is going to do some work for his brother in law (or someone like that) but he does not know what it is but is thinking it has something to do with computers cause there isn't much he can't do on a computer. He is going to start working for them a few hours a week and hopefully it turns into something permanent. Uh ok, sure. He asks me if I am going to college cause I seem like 'the type' which I take as a compliment. Then he tells me that he has a 'friend' who is a lawyer who works at the traffic law center who fixed his 8 failure to appears cause of his ex-wife. If it was not for the ex he would be in the NFL right now. He lost 100 pounds last year because now he gets up at 5 and plays football in addition to being a martial arts instructor. I cannot decide if the worst part about this man is that someone married and procreated with him or if it is that he does not wear a undershirt and unbuttons to the third button. It is a toss up.
Was downtown today and was pleasantly surprised by the amazing redevelopment of the city. Makes me want to live downtown now which before was a definite no. The housing redevelopments were beautiful and everyone walking around looked so important. I loved it. I am easily impressed.
Sometimes I regret that there are people who are close to me who know about this blog because I write it more for myself than for anyone else. I know I hesitate to write about things I am thinking because I don't want to talk about it/want anyone to know what a horrible weakling I am. Because I think that is the worst thing to be in the world: weak. Although I suspect that everyone is to a different extent and for different things. It is no secret that I am ashamed of the place that I am in my life. I like to write on this blog not for others but because I like the release it provides but I feel like it provides no relief when I am guarding my words. I have found myslef recently not writing about so many things because I don't want to face the response. And it ain't anything bad. So much to think about. Oh, and if you think I was twisted before imagine the shit I don't talk about.
The episode where J.D. turns thirty makes me cry. Damn insightful tv shows and the story of my life.
All right, fine, Elliot. You wanna know why? You're just like me. You're scared because you feel like you haven't accomplished anything with your life. But instead of running a triathlon, you're pushing forward with a guy you don't belong with. And you know as well as I do, one of these days he's gonna open up a bottle of white wine for you when you really prefer red, except you never told him that; and you wanna know why? It's because he's not right for you, Elliot. Are you happy now?
All that bitching and moaning I did about the ipod. I take it back. It is incredibly amazing if just for the fact you can have difficult to find artists at your fingertips in a heartbeat. AND I can download all of my guilty pleasure songs without having to buy the whole crappy album. I have yet to import my cds because that is just a bitch. But the new stuff LOVE. MY GOD what the hell have I been doing?!
the past 
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happy
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